I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
