What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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