Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
