Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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