ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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