I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
