Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
