I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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