just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities