Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.