I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
