1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Randomize
