I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
