I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
