There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
