he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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