dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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