The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
