I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
