you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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