yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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