Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
