I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
