He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
