wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
