I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
