he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
