I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
