Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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