I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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