u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
