...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
