just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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