The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
