I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
