whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
now i know why i became what i already was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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