I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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