at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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