Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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