If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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