Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
