My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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