I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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