Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
