dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
