He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
