when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
