She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
