you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
