dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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