grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
