it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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