Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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