My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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