lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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