Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
