I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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