my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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