Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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