Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
