Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
