You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
